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6:22 p.m. - April 17, 2003
Doodles, random
Leaving in eight minutes, listening to music. When I go away, my house looks like it's on the market for a buyer: No drapes, no blinds, very little furniture. Very little that says Jason lives here, kind of like how I'm feeling right now.

I'm trying hard not to be-become sad or down, but Spec's been on my mind lately and here I am, flying off so close to him and I want-don't want in near equal proportion. The good times were really good, the bad times really bad, and how easy it is to overlook the negative, pull on the blinders. Was thinking earlier that this arrant confusion of emotions and desires and hates is more healthy than unhealthy because my life ran smoothly according to plan only when I didn't think of anything, didn't feel anything, didn't allow anybody in. And of course the waters surge when there's an egress but eventually things calm down, right?

Thinking now about that time last year when I went to Seattle and he was there, calling my name over the P.A. and how much I've learned and changed since then.

It is preferable to hurt than not, I think.


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