5:34 a.m. - December 19, 2002
Last night left me conversationally expunged. Talked with Mal in between dousing a minor fire in the kitchen [never leave candles unattended] and trying to be supportive though I was impaired on several fronts and the conversation went downhill; then shortly before closing down the computer, spoke again to Mal, then Shannon, and then Spec IM'd as well, nearly in domino fashion. More like a one-two-three jabber punch than dominoes.
You can guess who said I love you, I miss you, I need you. No, it wasn't me. I became angry at him and then rightly towards myself, because I'm the one who hasn't figured a way to block IMs from him and I am the one who chose to engage in conversation. The truth is, I miss him too but that's not enough to induce me to do anything with him. I feel weak around him, my defense strategies are as effective as the penguin storm troopers in Antarctica. I think I was clearer or this time it sunk in, but I don't think I'm going to hear from him again. Are there any internet-identity experts out there? I want to make sure he can't track me down somehow somewhere someday. Yeah, okay, it's unlikely he'll come after me with a vengeance, but I like to be careful.
So this transpired before sleeping and my dream likely influenced by the inchoate domino-conversations because I was one of Jane's executioners in a scene 100% unhistorically-based. Instead of chopping her head, I fed her black seeds to make her drowsy, and then held one end of razor-sharp fishing line while a (female) executioner drew the final slice. While dreaming I noted the dischronicity--electric lights, a Greek chorus chanting dirges and taking smoke breaks, me saying Kaddish [how do I remember the words? I'll have to check to see if I had them right]--and Mary being beautiful, which we all know simply was not so. Woke up and was creeped out but since rehashing dreams is never as compelling, original, or vivid as the original, I'll cut it off here.
I hope today is good.