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10:38 p.m. - January 22, 2003
A coup de grace or evil, pure evil
I miss him so much that I wonder what's wrong with me; wonder if I encourage him because bad contact is better than no contact. Again arguing and I wanted to hurt him and said I left him for the same reason his dad did: He's not worth it and the stunned silence on the other end shocked me and he hung up and there isn't a modicum of accomplishment in having the last word. I wanted to hurt him with such passion that I boiled over and only after I said that did I realize I'm angry with him because my fairy tale fell apart and no amount can undo what was done.

It was a fairy tale and maybe the ill effects of book reading malingers and clouds judgment and check, Jason check; I'm starting to feel guilty and nostalgic and that's dangerous. The fairy tale ended and so have the dreams I played with, both gay and straight. And neither the king's horses nor his men could put Humpty back together again. That's all. I need to deal with that and figure out where I'm going.


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