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10:10 a.m. - March 22, 2003
Some quick thoughts, a place holder for examination later
I think it was Yeats who said "We taste and feel and see the truth. We do not reason ourselves into it."

When he's out of the shower we're going to the nursery for the pergola and everything else - honeysuckle, bougainvillea, whatever else appeals - and Spec is going to meet my father since we're going over there so I can borrow the truck. Pitter-patter nervousness abounds.

My thoughts are ill-formed this morning and I'm thinking about sex - so far, no problems - and fleshing out impressions of this hierarchic pro forma between Spec and myself, wondering if it's my imagination or something more. He's a year older than I, but you'd think I was a child and he was the adult if you could hear him talking to me sometimes, as if I don't see things clearly and need them explained or described. But is that just him, is it him with me, or is it just me?

I think I established this hierarchy of sorts when I looked up to him, overwhelmed by this guy so far beyond my league wanting me, coinciding with his desire (need?) for dominance. I deferred to him physically, emotionally, and sexually out of na´vetÚ when I couldn't tell you what was up and what was down, but I knew I liked it. Oh - momentary clarity - Spec would have to push me into doing things way back when and I'd resist but the more he'd prod, I'd eventually give in - and maybe we're still in that mindset?

Or maybe I don't get it.

Better get going.


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