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8:55 a.m. - March 21, 2003
A pointless bit of excoriation
If I accomplish but one task today, it will be to wash the car despite the clouds rolling in, heavy and portentuous. Yes, I will wash the car and vacuum and refill the window-wash container since the Low Fluid Level light flickers since one wouldn't want to be bereft of fluid in the event of a needed wash.

The things I think about.

Spec arrives today and I'm looking forward to seeing him. We've pledged to be nice and happy and not quarrel and the plan is to hole up and cuddle, and he says he's ready to work with me on the backyard. He's trying too hard, really. I don't want to get into it with him but he simply doesn't understand that I can't make it work with him, there are too many variables that enmesh and collude to maintain a volatile spar cum pseudo-relationship. I wonder if I could make it work were I to try as hard as he is / seems, I wonder about the confluent nexus of his issues and mine and shit, what are they again?

My Issues:

(1) Sex is good / bad.

(2) Being gay is bad / slight good.

(3) I resent him when he says You want it, you want me, just admit it because it's true.

(4) Return again to No. 1 and emphasize that when it's bad, it's really bad.

(5) Refer to Nos. 1 & 4, and complicate matters further because I think sans the sexual aspect, I could fully love him; but then I remember how much I like to be sexual with him, right up until things become too sexual.

His Issues that Irk Me:

(1) He has to be macho, seeks outside validation that he's all man, masculine, the straight guy who has a boyfriend. Has to be the top, the daddy; see No. 2.

(2) He has to be the top, but he loves being the bottom. He won't say so, though. We can't talk about it. Why is it wrong for me to be confused about what I want and right for him?

(3) When frustrated, he hits and I think guys communicate differently, but I don't know how to deal with this aspect.

(4) One day he'll be out and I'll cringe when he tells hotel clerks or shopkeepers My boyfriend and I and the next, say I'm his best friend. Just leave it one or the other, eh? I realize he has his own issues and insecurities, but come on.

I'm minimizing everything. The crux of the issue is the one day everything's great, the next everything's terrible. There's no happy medium. If I had a better grip on the sexual aspect of things, I think a relationship would be better and I know, I see how patient he's been and I owe it to him. It's more like I owe it to myself, but that's one argument I won't accept. I was fine until Spec and gay sex; with women I never had sex issues or insecurities or self-loathing. And in light of what I experience with Spec, or just generally with another man, it's simply negative. So why continue? Sometimes the rock isn't meant to go uphill.

Aren't you as tired of this rehashing as I? Go on, find something else to read.


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