9:50 p.m. - February 04, 2003
Yeah, I'm turning into a fag.
Dawned on me this morning that I'm attracted to a woman in one of my classes; she's smart, has a great laugh, a beautiful smile. She's also married and I've known that since I met her a year or two ago and I wouldn't have described my attraction to her as attraction but that is what it is. And so throughout the day I've wondered what do other guys have that embolden them to flirt, make a move (shut up, Twids)? It can't simply be testosterone because there's too much of that as it is (more later); I'm lacking something. And yes, I admit - I wish I could be, were, the type to hump and dump, to play with women, break hearts or simply just have great sex with a married woman. What confounds me is that I slept with a married woman for a couple months when I was 15 and I look back thinking What did I have then that I don't have now? and I can't think of anything. Maybe it's respect for marriage or something noble like that, but I'm looking at this as me being deficient in being a man, whatever that means. Or maybe it's just a game of goose and gander and if you recall, I prefer Scrabble and Monopoly and maybe that's the issue, the cerebral effect of mind over matter or glib excuse-making like that. No, it's deeper - I feel removed from the mere possibility not by choice but by default; I scoff at myself Pathetic! I'm too damn polite and nice and well-meaning for my own good.
I can be a dick to gay guys. Yeah, I fill-in-the-blank with The Guy. You know, the cocksucker. As much as I look down on gay men and this so-called lifestyle and fuck buddies and suck buddies and disease and the morass, I'll take good head when I can get it and he offered. Not going to dwell on the disgust I'm feeling but again I'm scared by the way I treat him when he's at work (is there any better way to say this? I dunno). It bothers me; logical to say okay, then, no more. It's an ego boost, selfish and I hate it and want it, all at once.
I despise my weaknesses. Despise them.
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