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7:24 p.m. - October 25, 2003
Curiosity killed the cat because it didn't move fast enough
I wonder if I'll feel nothing - no embarrassment, stupidity, ignorance, blushing cheeks - while among gay men, especially when those men are talking about sex. I feel like an interloper, a hanger-on, devouring what I can like the unwanted step-child at a family reunion; wanting to be close, despairing because I'm not, striving all the while to cast an attitude of nonchalance.

My job lets me be the fly on the wall, there but not there and it can be difficult like it was today to do an HIV/AIDS counselor-training session and want to ask questions, soak up what I can, make sure that the client will request me at the subsequent training sessions (three more 12-hour days) so I can get my fill, maybe feel more confident, normal, among gay men and less insecure. To develop that peer support essential to maintaining a healthy gay self-image. To talk about guys with, to ask my questions, to learn the things I don't know.


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