6:05 p.m. - January 21, 2003
Surprised myself again this morning when approached by the guy - you know - and a remnant of the old confidence and arrogance appeared again before I could be nervous and embarrassed and I was pleased, surprised that I held my ground and that it will not happen again. I'm flattered, I can see it clearly, but it's a game that disgusts me and playing a hand to bolster the mess inside isn't worth it.
And then this afternoon I see four emails from Spec, then he IMs me under a new screenname, calls and says he is coming here in February and we argue and he plays the tired song whose words still thrill me, But don't you understand, I love you, but I'm not falling for it again. I think I satisfy requirements for placing a restraining order on him, but I'm not sure - he currently resides in Seattle, so how does that work? Said he misses me and grew belligerant, declaring a good fuck is what I need to knock some sense into me and that's when I said I've had enough. It's been enough for too long.
I told you today would be better. A lot of effort but worth it; is this manic? I don't know and I've work to do and no time to worry about such things.
I admit, I'm a little worried about Spec. Something in his voice was different and gave me the chills. Eh. That worry thing again. No more tonight!