12:04 p.m. - July 24, 2003
Thoughts through the blender: Frappe?
The question becomes then, Can one change? or is one fired in the kiln and enameled and that's it?
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Can't people change?
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I'm beginning to see I'm talking myself into things.
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He knew me before I knew myself. He didn't go away when I pushed. He would become angry and frustrated by my hot/cold issues but he would always wait for me to calm down and then he'd talk to me, gently, say over and over I'm not him, I'm not him and how often he'd hold my hand and tell me, Go to sleep, I'll keep the bogeyman away. These things count far more to me than him losing his temper. I understand him, I know - and sympathize with - his own convoluted wants and desires, his outright fear that by being gay he is emasculated and so he covers up - but with me, when it's just me and him, he's sweet and silly and what I like. I know where he's coming from, I know his desire to be normal and have a girlfriend and I can understand how frustrating - horrifying - it must be to want that but not be able to get it up. Now that is emasculating. I know him, he knows me. Yes, we struggled but we struggled because I couldn't - wouldn't - settle down and see things straight. I've gained some perspective and it still seems right to me as it did before, but I'm not scared now. I'm far more comfortable with sex - as long as I'm not the bottom - and while I'm adrift in terms of reconciling my faith with my desires, I'm nowhere near as clueless and lost as I was before.
He's being so sweet, I can't help it. I don't encounter nice people often; it makes me uneasy. With him, I feel normal. Gay, yes, but normal.
