5:15 p.m. - December 13, 2002
Fruition requires both planning and execution
Earlier went to the store and bought genuine hot chocolate instead of the gritty ersatz my budget normally allows for. This real deal is hot between my hands in my favorite extra-large mug and is just the right aroma on this stormy night, complemented by Vivaldi's Nulla in Mundo Pax Sincera on the stereo and flickering candles urging relaxation. And relaxing I am, holed up and cocooning, enjoying the solitude that accompanies heavy rain whose pitter-patter and sharp ka-clink! against the window glass plays the mantra Go home, go home, snuggle and watch a video. The fireplace in the living room is lit and from my window I can make out the smoke leaving the chimney and I've pulled out the laptop to work fireside and candleside and warm the bottoms of my feet.
It's a poor substitute, all of this.
You put on a good face and tell yourself This is so nice, yes, I deserve this, it is time to pamper myself and relax but really what it means is another night of frozen TV dinners, saying I've turned off the telephone ringer but you know it's on, and making the best of things has become quotidian, unconscious.
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Talked yesterday with Barbara-the-Editor and the finance officer at the publisher's about my idea to fund a program based at my alma mater to provide free art therapy sessions to children. They received the paperwork already and simply, are discouraging me from doing this. They don't understand the reason, of course, and for them writing is about profit--both theirs and mine. I want to do something good and perhaps it fulfills a selfish desire on my end, but on nights like this when I become quieter than usual and dwell on the past and will be afraid to go to sleep, the more I want to make sure that there are people trained to work with children in ways that assist those who cannot speak out to find their voice, whether it's a through a Crayon or a sandtray or puppets. I think how much better I would be today had I had access to such programs before. It's a waste of time to think about what could have been. I am so afraid that I will always be the way I am now and I can barely take it already, how can it become easier to accept later? I am lonely yet don't want people near, I am sad yet ration happiness, I am tired yet don't sleep.
