10:10 p.m. - June 09, 2003
Gay sex 10. Talk about something new
I wonder why it is that as much as I fear and despise the past and seek to leave it behind, I continue to carry it with me less like a satchel and more like an unnecessary layer of skin. Slough off, molt, flay � do something, anything instead of making a grand attempt to convince myself I like being this way, that I�m one of those people who for better or worse prefer solitude and the safety of being immune emotionally, free from entanglements. I can nearly disassociate but not quite, sotto voce murmurs float out of range, you don�t want this, you want more, you want to experience and revel in the flush of passion and let the little Jason out and rebuttals play catch-up with words already sent and heard.
Another event which will make a few readers shake their head: I met a guy who makes me dizzy, yet another one who finds my voice sexy and my smile alluring and this time it was I who made the move � me! � minutes after he inquired into a girlfriend � negative, I said � and then a boyfriend and I told the truth, blushed, said not any more and he gave me a big smile. Our meeting � yes, he is the district rep � ended at 2:00 but he didn�t go home until 8:00. I took him into my bedroom and I was a top.
I�m feeling quite embarrassed.
Incredulous, unashamed yet.
When he came close I pushed him away, no kissing, and then I put my fingers in his mouth and I was turned on and I kissed him, sucked on his tongue, was shy when he said I am a good kisser. Off the bat he said I can tell I am more attracted to you than you are to yourself and I was taken aback and in that instant thought perhaps putting my tongue in his mouth conveyed mystical properties akin to the fear of a camera stealing one�s soul if photographed. I didn�t respond but I was shy, my nervousness betraying any semblance of cool and experience but I told him clearly and without a hint of uncertainty: I want to be inside you and damn, those are powerful words. I leached confidence from the air I suspect and struggled to get inside but when I did � it felt like I was being pulled deep by iron fists clenched around my dick, almost like I was being swallowed up by a vacuum and each time I pulled it completely out it was as if I won a tug of war with an unseen pneuma. I worried I wasn�t doing it right � after all, what tricks do I know (that is a poor pun) � and he pointed out his own hardon and I have only a partial frame of reference; sometimes with Spec I would stay hard when he was inside but not usually but apparently this is part of the deal.
Suddenly I�m feeling shy.
Damn it, I want to talk about this, review it, relish it.
I didn�t know what to do immediately afterwards. Remember, all I�ve had this way was Spec and we�d cuddle and nap, talk. With the other guys it�s been me leaving, thanking them, taking off as quickly as possible. I didn�t know what to tell him � See ya? Thanks? � and he asked, have any porn? and I laughed, told him nothing he�d like and we kind of talked about my experience and in a few minutes I was up again, aching, and he rode it and I think this position is the silliest there is for two men; with Spec I�d laugh some when he did that, but he � I need a name, don�t I? An initial will suffice for now � T. began doing something that I liked and the second time was me finishing by jacking off onto his chest. I don�t feel comfortable around cum; I become nervous and as effete as the term is, it applies: I get fluttery, queasy, a little scared. The guys that have given me head all swallowed (except one, but I didn�t notice because my eyes were closed) and with Spec � well, I kind of like swallowing (heh.. that�s nasty! Remember when I was clueless?) � and immediately felt guilty, ashamed but T. smiled and then he came.
I don�t want this to be prurient, simply a record. I�m bothered because I wasn�t bothered then and I�m not bothered now [Editor�s note: first wrote yet]; mostly I�m stunned � yet inordinately pleased � by these actions. We cooked dinner together and he was comfortable in my house, far more comfortable than I usually am. How odd to me. I didn�t know how to tell him to go, to flee, to let me sink into that hatred I feel after sex. T. seemed entirely at ease though he did mention something potentially awkward (again, reminding me of those mystical powers) and we talked � I talked, he listened � and I talked almost nonstop - and I felt okay with it, I felt okay knowing someone used my bathroom, my shower, had sweat into my sheets, had come in my bedroom � hmm, that last phrase kills two birds, eh � and more importantly, I felt good. I didn�t feel dirty or small or quiet or anything other than self-satisfied and a little abashed countered with a good deal of cockiness. I don�t know if he shovels compliments but today I didn�t mind them though I suspect he simply likes to see me blush. I think a little part of me didn�t want him to go quickly and I�m glad he didn�t; had he, I�m sure I would have felt bad immediately.
So all of this and finally he left; he called a few minutes ago. I decided to see him again.
I�ve never done anything quite like this before.
Five points for me today.
Of course, I may deduct points tomorrow when it hits me, but remember today, I had fun, I felt no guilt, no shame, no horror, only a tinge of incredulousness. And I liked it.
