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6:32 p.m. - March 03, 2003 When I was 17 I spent a week at Camp Pendelton, a Marine base in California and I knew it then, was terrified by my thoughts and I made myself sick by eating raw eggs so I wouldn�t have to hang out with Zach and his buddies, a kid in the company of men and when they told me the story of what they did to one of the guys in their company I felt shamed and sick, not because of what they did but because their contempt hit me like nothing I had experienced prior. And I felt violated, I felt so strongly for this anonymous guy and I felt his shame � they fucked him with a plunger when they discovered he was gay � and I was relieved as well, another escape from detection and Zach was so proud of what he did and I remember thinking Better him than me and being angry with myself for no obvious reason. I think as long as I didn�t act on the physical nature I absolved myself on one hand, hated it even more on the other. It�s that deep down secret, that shame that makes me want to rip my head off and scream and all of a sudden I�ve begun to sweat and there goes my heart � I it�s so hard to say, hard to think, hard to type. When I was a kid I think I initiated or continued or knew what I or he was doing, something like that, when I think about that I become angry � and I�m a fairly calm guy � and see! My thoughts are becoming convoluted and messy. I let myself down when I think about it and how it isn�t something transitory. I let down my friends and they have such good intentions but it hurts for them to tell me to read my Bible and be careful because I know where they�re coming from, I�ve prayed and prayed and there�s been no direction and I think about the perfection dichotomy, how if God created me whole and perfect then this part of me is a part of me but it is my actions that glorify or don�t, and then the flip side is I am not to experience the love between two people of the same gender and that strikes me as hateful and then I�m back at square one. I�ve never talked about this to anybody before. Not even to A[deleted]a or Bathsheba, I�ve never told them how much it hurts that they love the sinner but hate the sin but you know, I understand it because I hate the sinner and hate the sin, too. Is it any less it to be with a woman, to love a woman, to fantasize about a woman, but also think of men? Is it any better? What hurts me is knowing that despite everything, I don�t regret it, I don�t regret Spec, I don�t regret what transpired, I don�t repent. I think I needed it, I needed to see this part of me but like Pandora�s box I can�t put it away. I hate gay people because I hate that part of me and how Toni Morrison is that? I hate that lifestyle because I�m jealous, jealous that they can do as they please and not care and be open, simply not care. And I want this part gone, I want to know how to deny it better, completely and it�s not a matter of being a man because I already scratch my balls and enjoy sports, I want it gone but no matter what I try, it�s not going anywhere. I don�t know what to do about that. This is lonely.
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