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7:44 a.m. - August 19, 2003
I don't want the talk!
A good friend of mine recently divorced and has jumped into the dating fray and in those uncomfortable situations - uncomfortable because I never know what to say - I watch from the sidelines and generally worry yet am happy for her. A few days ago she made a remark that I've been thinking about, something that for me triggers the useless reflection and insecurity I exhibit all too often. She was talking about her weekend and how she spent it with a guy she's falling for - and he for her - and out of the blue said he went down on her more often that weekend than her ex-husband ever had during their several years of marriage, and that he was so great. These things make me uncomfortable - yes, yes, I know, no need to think He's a prude - but it wasn't what she said, it was the why she said.

Do women talk about these kinds of intimate things with straight men, or is it something divulged with the resident queer only? Am I a "girlfriend" now or what? While I despise shopping now, is the handwriting on the wall and you see it but I don't?

She and A[deleted]a have known about Spec for a long time and I've noticed since then, they've both exposed me to what I'd consider girl-purview talk. I don't want to know about boyfriends' small dicks and premature ejaculation; I don't want to know what an ex-husband did or didn't do well; I don't want to know this stuff at all. Then again, I wonder if they just both happen to be open and would tell any guy what they shared with me and I shouldn't worry so much about the inconsequential. I'm not Sex in the City, I'm not a girlfriend, I'm not going on the prowl with women to pick up men.

I'm just a guy into hockey and baseball, remodeling projects, books, and working hard, and just happens to think about men. [editor's note: why not just say fantasize? There's nothing wrong with admitting that.] I don't want to be privy to girl-talk or cunnilingus skills or the latest conquest or the facts and myths of black men. I don't want to know anything other than you're bringing me dinner and will help me with my colors.

Ah, I just gave it away, didn't I? You suck dick a few times, explore the hole, and before you know it, you learn colors one by one. Perhaps the handwriting is on the wall but in a shade I haven't discerned yet?

Scary thought. An unhappy thought.

Working for a few hours today.

Be good.


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