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11:57 a.m. - November 13, 2003
During yesterday's session with Dr. Indy we discussed automatic thoughts and I became impatient with the juvenile approach to therapy. Theoretical orientations aside, I can say definitively that psychodynamic melodrama doesn't appeal any more than the cognitive approach only because I don't want or need an external agent to raise awareness of or (logically) reflect back my own thoughts. Damn it, I'm aware already - it's dealing with them that's the issue.

If I'm me and bothered (distressed?) by specific features of me, is it a worthwhile endeavor to try to change those features or is it a matter of coming to terms with those features and adapting as needed? I'm not in therapy because I'm shy or depressed or concerned about anomie and this moment, I'm unsure why I'm going at all. Is it to get over my sexual intimacy issues, the obsessive issues, the self-esteem? Does everybody have to be sexually expressive? What if issues are manifesting themselves because I'm forcing them to act contrary to inclination? Who cares and so what if I have idiosyncracies or worrisome thoughts - let's face it, compared to many I have my shit together [editor's note: Okay, even I laughed at that one]. I'm telling myself it's okay to be a loner, work hard, save my pennies and read. Maybe that's what me is supposed to do. Three words: Get over it - but what if prerequisite actions commit more harm than good?

Making lists of automatic thoughts is stupid. I shall not partake.


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