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1:17 p.m. - June 17, 2003
Gush like a geyser, egress, feel better immediately afterward
About 10 minutes ago it hit home that I am in control of nothing:

ē My weight: Iím ballooning.

ē My finances: Iím spending too much too quickly all of a sudden. $3,800 yesterday, $1,430 today, IRS quarterlies coming soon. The bills are one thing, being a miser another. I donít have balance; I save save save until I absolutely have to spend money and this just isnít good because then I feel guilty Ė as if a $40.00 pair of shoes is an untoward luxury.

ē My professional life: Iím doing a three-day presentation in Virginia and the conference coordinator has been on my back for a short bio and description since May. I am given the inside track on positions that are made for me and I donít pursue, follow through; the latest is from Portland. I canít get off my ass whether itís Virginia, Florida, or Massachusetts. The book contract Ė when Barbara-the-Editor called Thursday everything she said went in one ear and out the other; it registered, yes, but I simply didnít care then or now. And it looks like Iím going to have to go to small claims court over an unpaid invoice; this company should know better but theyíre a year late and damn it, I want my money.

ē My personal life: Iím feeling cornered by friends and those well-intentioned people. Iím avoiding people again, the telephone rings once and voice-mail picks up.

ē My emotional life: calm, a relief. Though calm because Iíve shut it down?

ē My sex life: What the hellís going on?

And Iím breaking out. I donít know where to put that one.

And the more gay men I talk to the more I wonder if I, too, have a gay voice and donít know it.

Is this whining? Regardless, it was on my mind. Chest? Wherever.


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