1:17 p.m. - June 17, 2003
Gush like a geyser, egress, feel better immediately afterward
About 10 minutes ago it hit home that I am in control of nothing:
� My weight: I�m ballooning.� My finances: I�m spending too much too quickly all of a sudden. $3,800 yesterday, $1,430 today, IRS quarterlies coming soon. The bills are one thing, being a miser another. I don�t have balance; I save save save until I absolutely have to spend money and this just isn�t good because then I feel guilty � as if a $40.00 pair of shoes is an untoward luxury.
� My professional life: I�m doing a three-day presentation in Virginia and the conference coordinator has been on my back for a short bio and description since May. I am given the inside track on positions that are made for me and I don�t pursue, follow through; the latest is from Portland. I can�t get off my ass whether it�s Virginia, Florida, or Massachusetts. The book contract � when Barbara-the-Editor called Thursday everything she said went in one ear and out the other; it registered, yes, but I simply didn�t care then or now. And it looks like I�m going to have to go to small claims court over an unpaid invoice; this company should know better but they�re a year late and damn it, I want my money.
� My personal life: I�m feeling cornered by friends and those well-intentioned people. I�m avoiding people again, the telephone rings once and voice-mail picks up.
� My emotional life: calm, a relief. Though calm because I�ve shut it down?
� My sex life: What the hell�s going on?
And I�m breaking out. I don�t know where to put that one.
And the more gay men I talk to the more I wonder if I, too, have a gay voice and don�t know it.
Is this whining? Regardless, it was on my mind. Chest? Wherever.
