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8:04 p.m. - December 13, 2003
Yes, you are a good friend and I am glad to have you in my life
I want my life to count, to feel there is a purpose beyond organic autonomia and evolutionary mythos, not for the sake of adulation and peer-based preening but because I seek a lifeline up which I can scurry and tell myself, as long as I climb I am something, I am purposeful and with intent and never mind chicken-and-egg Socratic methodology or for that matter evolution itself and query, why have the higher primates stopped evolving as if they've reached the apogee of perfection contrasted by and in light of the rise of bipedalism with rapacious appetites for land and ebola-ridden bushmeat, as if primates could not see the threat and borrow and learn to strategize and reprise Planet of the Apes but it behooves the thinker to remind himself both of gender dominance in language as well as evolution being a theory even though it is one accepted as fact, despite not seeing change in primates at the local zoo. Evolution in frogs yes, but not primates and doesn't that strike anyone else as comical and depressing simultaneously? A life that counts, what a plaintive sop-notion but I'm not talking about satisfying careers and speedster vehicles but one where I can say I know people and people know me and such be comforting not frightening, reassuring not indebtive. These things I think about after looking at a tangerine-lime candle flame too long while listening to the only music I know well, a surfeit of indulgence whetted against a need to get out and breathe but unsure of the way. I am feeling sad again.


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