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10:47 a.m. - January 31, 2004
Is it risky to draw parallels between then and now, or obtuse when one doesn't?
Yesterday had a session with the Mean Therapist during which we talked about manifestations of abuse, whether emotional, physical, or sexual. It was a good discussion though distanced, since I prefer talking about these issues from a theoretical or intellectualized framework rather than engaging in self-application exclusively. Comparing Dr. Indy with the Mean Therapist, I realize talking about these issues to a man is fundamentally more difficult than to a woman and I preferred to talk in generalities and maintained a them, not me attitude. I am uncomfortable saying I�ve experienced an abusive relationship principally, I think, because admitting so is emasculating and says something unfavorable about me: I was a pussy, a half-man, a clinger, scared, couldn�t stand up for myself. It bothers me excessively where I still find ways to discount the problems Spec and I had � see, I�ve just done it � because the woe-is-me-I�-ve-been-abused[wail, wrist against forehead, trembling lips, ruined life, an excuse proffered before, during, after any and all] mentality is embarrassing, too intertwined in archetypical notions of roles and dualities in which celebrating victimization has become a pastime.

I refrained from writing about (most of) it here or when I did I privated those entries, similar to filing away the things I avoid thinking about. But I think it is becoming more important now than before that I do reflect on the whys and howcomes. For a long time I�ve been in stasis over the direction in which I desire my life to go, holding the reins too close, and I see again this indecision and fear of the unknown influencing the way I handle myself with Ryan II. Is it that I truly do not want a relationship with him/anybody, or with a man/woman, or is it that I distrust my reactions, impressions, and emotions towards another? Fresh on my mind because last night Ryan II and I got into an argument and he began yelling at me and frankly, this disturbed me primarily because that�s how Spec began being coercive. And how easy to point to previous experience from a contemporary episode and say See! I need to beware, even if this may not be wholly valid or called for.

He wanted me to go with him to a restaurant where a group of his friends were celebrating somebody�s birthday, and I declined [editor�s note: Categorically refused]. He pressed me for a good reason and I lobbed the standbys: Don�t feel comfortable with people knowing I�m with a guy; don�t feel comfortable in crowds of strangers; you know the drill. And inside it has more to do with being unattractive and awkward, wanting to avoid identifying myself with a group of gay guys. I don�t mind being gay in private as long as it�s only me and ___ who know, but that comfort disappears as soon as a third or more know. So I didn�t go and he did � and his injury stemmed largely from my nonchalance that he went without me. He came over afterwards and we talked and cuddled and called it a night.

In truth? The image of a table of 22-year-old gay prettyboys makes my skin crawl.

 

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