9:16 p.m. - October 11, 2003
It is (still?) strange to me that a person who can pass for straight will make it a point to say This is the guy I'm dating to an acquaintance of his. I was bothered by the carelessness - carefulness? - and he merely shrugged it off. Doesn't he understand the power of words to shape reality rather than simply describe? I blush and stammer and feel queasy, self-righteous when I tell him don't say that in public and he just laughs.
Earlier, worked in San Francisco for a high profile assignment. I despise microphones but I did well, was satisfied. When I mentioned to my team I had plans tonight and he said Oh, what's her name? I was momentarily - one of those slow-quick thoughts - tempted to say His name is Ryan. I'd like to get to know him better; his name is Kirk and recently moved here from Colorado with his partner.
Ah, Ryan's bellowing. Rush, rush. Am I dating Ryan? Having casual sex with him? Hanging out? I don't want any of that, though I don't mind the cuddling and the I-respect-your-boundaries-tickling. Spec never does.
George Herbert once said, Itís never too late to be who you might have been. It's a nice thought.