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8:16 p.m. - February 13, 2003
Pathetic reunion maelstrom
We've been talking and now we're watching Survivor - he didn't believe me that there's a Deaf contestant (Christy) - and cuddling. Maelstrom. I'm a caboose on the train, no clue where I'm going. I opened the door and looked at him and he said You've gained a lot of weight and then he hugged me and he broke first and we both cried. I wouldn't kiss him and he didn't push it and I have no clue what's going on. We sat outside and he asked if he could use the bathroom and I pointed him to a tree and he grinned, trying to make me laugh and pissed on my tree - and then it began to rain and we went inside to stand in the kitchen; and like before, his eyes drew me in and we hugged and like always, we both became excited and I was thinking Do I have any self control?; it is apparent I have none.

So we climbed on my bed and cuddled and cried and he apologized, I apologized (see the control remark above) and I climbed into his lap like a stupid kid and he held me and we just sat there, talking and watching the rain outside.

And you know what I'm thinking? I like being wanted and how wrong is that? I like knowing he gets hard around me and the thrill I get when he calls me his boy - and how fucked is that? As weak as my resolve is, I feel safe with him - but I know, I know this will not last and already we've quarreled; he wants me to take tomorrow off so we can spend time together and that will not happen.

And now he's standing behind me running his hands through my hair. I'll write more later.

I'm confused. No, that's a cop-out; I'm pathetic.


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