11:08 a.m. - September 22, 2003
He can be such a dick and not realize it. Talked this morning about plans for the weekend and I mentioned I'd prefer snuggling up in his apartment watching movies, take the ferry over to Vashon Island, go on our long walks. He snorted and said he's trying to plan enough activities so that neither of us will be tempted for sex because you know, you've got sex problems and they're frustrating for me. I can't get ahead! I'll do whatever he wants, I'll make sure he gets off, but it isn't enough to appease him. I give him tongue baths, tell him how hot his body is, lick his pits, admire his pecs and muscles, suck his cock and take it all the way down and who cares if my jaw aches afterwards? Hours making out, handjobs, blowjobs, massages, saying those insipid words and phrases he likes so much, all simply to please him. Hell, I even fuck him now when he wants and jack off on the phone with him over and over. And I have sex problems? I'm a problem because when he wants to reassert his masculinity and fuck me, I panic? What if he were to try a different tactic and rather than being agressive and domineering he was gentle and patient? He ever think of that? He's a fuck and I'm a shmuck not only because I listen to what he says and believe it, but because I can't convince myself that perhaps I can do better.
Nascent theory: Guys with big dicks suck. The next one, post-Spec and post-Ryan, must be small.
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