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6:02 p.m. - March 05, 2003
Maya called from Singapore last night, Rob called from London this afternoon and I'm wondering who's next among those I know scattered around the world. I was uncomfortable talking with Rob because I knew the topic he wants and needs to discuss so I kept my mind open and tried to be supportive, though I'm unsure if I was effective. I'm a dirty hypocrite and I feel awful; I should tell him about what's been going on in my life but I just can't, even though his shit is my shit. Seems I'm more comfortable telling women but not men, so I'm both a hypocrite and a coward.

He's going to be in London for a year and a half and blurted out that uncircumsized penises are a novel adventure for him. I didn't have a response for that and fell back on the standard Oh. I wanted to tell him but I couldn't get the words out and since the conversation I've been thinking about the difference between reticence and cowardice. It's not time.

I'll likely say that forever.

Just as Rob needs to talk about his experiences, so do I. I was thinking back to a year ago today - first time I had mutual gay sex - and the ensuing roller coaster and I'm going to remain in turmoil until I've settled things and the first step towards concretization is talking about the topic openly. I don't really do that and I've avoided having my journal become a catalog of Gay This and Gay That, which means I bury it deeper. It's not easy for me to talk about yet I want to, need to, and I feel like I rehash the same thoughts over and over - and I do. Was thinking the next step is to actually meet a gay guy in vivo but that's a ways off. I'm a social idiot already and the added pressure would likely be disastrous. Shit, I have a problem meeting anybody for that matter.

I'm supposed to be working on my paper. Better get back to work.


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