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9:35 a.m. - January 23, 2003
The morning after
I called Spec early this morning and he cried and so much for trying not to feel guilty. He asked, Why won't you love me? and how could I explain why when he doesn't hear me? It has to do with the way he'd hit me when I frustrated him, how I realized I was turned off by his at-all-costs macho exterior, the way made me feel like he could take me or leave me and not think twice, his mockery of the things important to me. And yet I know him for what he is underneath, and that's what I loved and part of me feels I should be patient with him the same way he was patient with me and I won't allow myself to think this way.

I can't imagine being in another relationship with a guy. I guess I haven't learned yet that gay guys have no emotions and it's just sex and til I do, I'm not playing the game.

Damn him.

Damn myself.

Oh wait, that's already done.


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