7:34 a.m. - May 08, 2003
There are two discussion leaders and without fail they will address me directly, Jason, what do you think about what ___ said? and how do I say Iíve thought about dangling prepositions, socio-economic influences on language, the number of times my streetlight has flickered. I suspect I donít want to know these men, donít want to know their stories and insight; I donít want them to know me, know my weaknesses. And yet I do, I desire to be part of this pathological community.
Part of our responsibility (I avoid the term treatment, grin) is inviting one or two people to listen to our stories, people we trust or want to trust. I know this journal and those who read it donít count; I donít believe Ė yet? Ė that by unloading or exposing myself Iíll find some comfort. In short, I donít believe that given the opportunity, people will not hurt me. Further, Iíve talked about it often enough here to make me cringe, though perhaps I cringe for the wrong reasons. I donít know.
I tell myself donít quit this program, donít find excuses to bail, donít run because somewhere I might Ė I resist saying find an answer, a solution, a tabula rasa because well, thatís silly. I can wait for an epiphany forever; Iíve been doing it since I was a child, but what happens when that child becomes an adult and still waits? I guess I donít need to ask; I know the answer, or my answer at least, and those of us in this program.
Iím not feeling too great this morning.