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9:25 a.m. - November 03, 2003
The ground shakes under my feet
I say someday Iíll wake up and it is an earnest though empty artifice cum external action but last night thought about how maybe this is the life Iím to lead and to make the best of it. Maybe there is a reason to all of this, you know? And rather than hitting my head against the door because Iím frustrated or lonely or angry at myself for the most-current-imperfection, I should strive to find a way to make all of this work. My schema as demonstrated is failing, so itís time for a new one?


A game called Defiance

Objective: To avoid built-in routines stipulating responses to bad thoughts or feelings. To get outside more, to interact with more people, to re-create The Old Jason.


Iíve added a ďWhat I did todayĒ field at the left as a means of monitoring self-accountability. Why stew when I can walk, after all?

Todayís doing: Tonight at the group, I will be the first to speak.

Tomorrowís doing: Tomorrow morning I will leave early enough to browse the outdoor market before my assignment begins. Iíve wanted to do that for over a year. Itís time, eh?

Caution to self: Nobody accomplishes a marathon without warming up first.

This is stupid, Iím telling myself. Laughable. An implausible attempt. Attempt at what? I donít know. Look, I kick myself down when Iím already down. This is called defiance for a reason.

Must go.


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