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8:17 p.m. - August 11, 2003
Tonight, I'm horny and Spec's ass is raw. No compromise later tonight.
After class Spec and I walked to the canal and sat near the stone bridge, sitting in the sun and talked about my molestation and my sessions with Dr. Indy. It wasn't difficult to talk about it and I'm surprised by that; each time he'd bring it up in the past, I'd become angry as if he were invading my privacy or talking about it was only done at night, in the dark, in bed and usually after a disastrous attempt at sexual intimacy. I think this is good for me and you cannot understand how relieved it felt to be matter of fact and not once feel ashamed or embarrassed. That's where I know I'm slowly getting a grasp and as over-used and mis-applied the term, I'm demanding ownership and receiving it. Talking about it in depth helped him, I think, see where I'm coming from, especially regarding my startle response (want to hear a man scream like a girl? Touch him on the shoulder by surprise) and perhaps clarified the sexual aspect of the anxiety that is my life.

I'm at a loss though to understand why sometimes I'd want to bottom and then when it was time, I'd panic and have that awful response. Spec never knows (knew?) what to do or the whys and hows, and I don't either. I can give head and get off on it - literally, off - but touch my ass with a finger or a cock, and it's either a downer like Hiroshima or that inner slut comes out but there's no warning which response will be activated. I want what they call a healthy sex life or far more basic, a healthy sexual ideation where I can say what I want, try what I like, and not have to worry before, during, and after. I want to laugh and enjoy and cherish life, you know? And I don't, I can't, at least not yet.

I feel safe sleeping next to him but things won't be well with me until I can carry that safety alone. Most days I don't believe this will ever happen.

On others, I do, brief moments that come and go like kayakers in the mist - you hear them, know they're there, but don't know for sure. That's how it feels far too often.


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