9:37 a.m. - March 09, 2003
Some thought on a tired, overplayed topic that I haven't moved past yet
Two emails came in this morning from Spec asking me to reconsider visiting during my Spring break, says he can take one day off and we could go up to Orcas Island or down to the Oregon coastline and as I read them I wondered which of us doesn�t have a clue? Is it he, who refuses to take to heart messages that have evolved from the oblique � This isn�t working out, Spec, for several reasons and it�s time to reevaluate where we�re heading � to the blunt erethistic � Get the fuck away from me � or is it me because I cannot or will not acknowledge any sincerity to his words?
I perpetuate this ebb and flow because if I were sincere about cutting him out of my life I would change my telephone number or my email, I wouldn�t talk to him, I wouldn�t listen to what he says. I think he can smell my uncertainty and that emboldens him or in other words, I�m sending him mixed signals. I know this but it isn�t coquettish, it isn�t a giggly game of Run & Pursue; I want him, I do, but I don�t. How chicken shit to think and not write � I�m in love with the man I�m afraid of. That�s not it exactly; I�m in love with this man and I�m afraid of sex. A bit more accurate. Most accurate would be I�m in love with the man who reminds me of when I was little, discard the unpleasant grammatical construct. The issue of him being physically threatening and violent isn�t a bona fide objection � it registers somewhere, but I shrug it off � it is the difficulty with which I engage in the sexual element. I can�t predict it, I can�t control it; one encounter I love it and the next have one of those episodes and that triggers him and everything avalanches from there. And I cannot make him understand how this makes me feel, I cannot articulate clearly so that he understands my predicament � being attracted to a man but unable to act on it.
He says he understands, he will work with me, he will be patient. What he doesn�t realize is how being the impaired object feels, how it feels on my end, that constant uncertainty and institutional hierarchalism, one needing the benediction of the Other. I am a fan of placid and predictable, of zero surprises. He also doesn�t realize how little patience he truly has, how quickly he morphs from being gentle to being pushy and demanding and more importantly, he doesn�t see how this triggers it � I need a better word than it or episode � and I panic and everything turns into a nightmare. On a practical level, neither he nor I need that added pressure to a relationship, especially one in which half of the equation isn�t comfortable with the whole idea. It�s logical, ergo Leave me alone.
And yet I don�t want that. I�m ashamed to cite how frequently I think about him, think about how I could have handled things differently, how I could feel safer with him, be less inhibited � correction: It isn�t inhibition, it�s the worry before, immediately prior, and during sex that something will go wrong and I will ruin it � and be okay with things. It isn�t about being with a man; that doesn�t, and really never has bothered me (but there is, as always, a but) and in many ways it feels natural to me and I like it. (The but: I don�t feel repugnant, never have, though I don�t look at men on the street and want to do the things I did with Spec, and kissing or making out has zero appeal � but I loved doing it with Spec. So who knows what this all means?) And for me on my end, it is something I want, something I desire, but it just doesn�t work or come to fruition.
So that means I pull away and push off the dock, even if I don�t want to. See how that works? It�s twisted and fucked but there is a calm certainty that pervades; it is the best decision for me. A hard one, a sad one, a lonely one, but the best one. And then I think about the hitting aspect and I think Yes Jason, run away, and about the comments he makes � No other man has the patience I do or How do you think you�re going to have another gay relationship when you can�t have sex? or the one that hurts the most because he says it with conviction and knowing, You are homosexual. That always infuriates me and I know I fall into the trap but it bites. And you know, he makes several good points; there�s no need to elucidate because for every assumption there�s the exception, right? So gay men aren�t about sex first, relationship second; no, it�s sex first and then a new sex partner later. Some bitterness there, eh? (small grin permitted)
All this to say I think about him more than I should ought, or want but I�m not really ready to shove off. In other words, substitute the subtitle: I don�t know what to do.
It hurts when he leaves voicemails and says it�s [Spec]y and how much he misses me and won�t I please call. And the salve is to dial the number and begin picking the scab. It is dispiriting, disheartening, a very flat feeling.
