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8:45 p.m. - July 14, 2003
Once there was a man named Jason
Some days I'm unsatisfied, other days are a surfeit: Had dinner with my mother tonight in her glorious tan and codependency in every Oprah shade of meaning. I didn't allow her to get to me so one point today for resisting the urge - the call - to come to the emotional rescue, relegating my responses to Oh and I see and her desire to bait, to reel me in, went unfulfilled in like measure. For some reason she talked at length about her mother and I wanted to inquire, Are you trying to drag me down for a reason or is this simply an exercise for you? but I refrained, was mature, detached, superficial. It isn't that I do not care for her, it's that I want to look after myself for a change and not be encumbered by my mother's personal life. Is that callous, to ensure detachment and be no more integrated - chained - than the neighbor down the street whose face you recogize but cannot name?

I received an email today from Dr. Indy inquiring into my goings-ons and I've yet to respond because no matter how it's phrased, I cannot hide from the truth: Absolutely nothing is going on. Students are fine, four days remain until the new - and final - batch for this course come my way. I've tired of developing two quizzes per day and have handed the task over to the T.A.s and Wednesday, the Squirrely T.A. will deliver an hour's lecture and ingrate he is, he's worried about performance less so than my motivation in giving him the assignment. Grin, I'm not that self-absorbed. Funny thing to note not like a nota bene but more of a Danger Will Robinson manner: Squirreley T.A. hinted and beat around the bush but didn't ask and I felt like just saying Yes to head him off. I learned a lesson today, one that I'll remember the next time I'm tempted to accept the offer of a ride to the Metro station by the Squirreley, or any, T.A.: I'm held captive and silence unnerves some people into non-stop jabber from which there is no unobtrusive escape.

I'm babbling because I'm thinking of Dan right now and I'm feeling uneasy. How easy to write about the fill-in-the-blanks in my life in the private entries, the ones that disappear immediately. Shame, shame, shame.

One day.

What's happened to me?


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