10:34 p.m. - September 21, 2003
Spent some time on the phone with someone who brought up the most personal topic gleaned from this journal, casually inquired did you ever locate that guy . . . when you were a kid? I left.
Trouble originates from opening my mouth, in both cases.
Disappointed, not angry, with Ryan; after all, I haven't mentioned Spec to him so I can't claim injustice. I feel very, very stupid because I'm still interested in spending time with him and this presents a whole new need for rationalizations and moral analysis. I opened up a bit to him, talked about boundaries and he had made some assumptions influencing his behavior. What a concept, talking. Gay men talk. I'm bothered by his having a part-time-partner, reassured by his why didn't you just say so? when talking about my (sexual) worries. Perhaps in addition to talk, I must become used to stealing boyfriends and open relationships and trading in new models when the old one loses its shine.
Must also learn to respond rather than avoid when difficult topics present themselves. To control is to own and I will own that topic, I will talk about it ad nauseum, I will resist the urge to shut down when someone else brings it up, I will know the topic comes up because someone cares for me and doesn't seek to harm.
Easy enough paradigms to insist upon, eh?