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9:13 p.m. - June 22, 2003
Phone sex does cure water hammer
Attended a dinner party tonight hosted by the Dean of my department and while I was tempted to hide in her garden or help serve, I persevered and was social and overall it wasn't insufferable. It's been a while since I last attended a departmental soiree and I've learned that given the opportunity to be honest and say, I've placed my Ph.D. studies on hiatus and in fact have left school altogether I lie and say Everything's coming along well and I anticipate completion of the dissertation in 2006. Perhaps it's vanity, pride, self-esteem - but I find the truth to be simply awful and unbearable, especially in an academic setting. Anecdotal revelation suggests students who go as far as I do an then stop take one of two routes: (1) Have some sort of severe mental breakdown and end up filed under A Waste or (2) Get married, bear a child, leave to care for an infirm relative, bike around the world for peace, enter the private sector, or join a noble endeavor. There's little middle-ground: You either do it or you don't and those who don't have problems.

I have 17 students enrolled in this course from hell, 12 undergraduate and 5 graduate. I discussed my discomfort teaching graduate students with my Dean and she said there's no doubt in her mind that I'll do a fine job. How and why is it that she can see parts of me that I cannot? Perhaps it's a refusal to see these parts but I'm certain that if they are present, then they're simply trace elements.

Confidence, that's the key. I've misplaced it long ago.

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Today's first: I tried my hand at phone sex. Okay, that's just a bad pun. I'm hesitant to add this function to my mastubatory options but let me tell you, it was good. I felt somewhat nasty afterwards but you know what? I don't care what you may think and the exercise fits neatly into my own paradigm of Want - Don't want. The more I expose myself to these nasty activities in vivo and via long distance, the more I'm realizing I much prefer to be a top.

And that brings me to Ray.

 

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