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10:44 a.m. - December 11, 2003
Positive self images?
A form of torture that leaves no physical signs: Being handed a stack of photos of somebody else's children.

I don't do photos.


This morning's assignment: A training course on fostering a positive self-image for lesbian Latinas.

I have an interesting job.

The agency has asked me to do the Christmas Eve performance, third year in a row. To reflect on these past three years I'm amazed and disheartened by my rising comfort among gay men. The first year I was excited and scared, what if they think I'm gay?; the second year the same thought though when I drove to the Castro and walked to the theater (a sea of gay guys) I didn't think too much about perceptions. And if I recall, last year I even said here in the journal what the assignment was, revealing a hint of bravado. And this year, I'm ambivalent this far, and I'm wondering if it signals an end to some sort of exploratory period, almost an introductory pre-requisite. I've been in a somewhat-long-term relationship with a guy, have dated some, gained sexual experience with men; loosened up however minutely, but enough to admit on good days I'm gay. A rising comfortability with things as long as nobody knows - that's the kicker. And yet as I write that, I'm aware that I have coming-out fantasies simply to get it out and over with, though perhaps these fantasies are grounded in reality. I'm strongly convinced my sister knows and I wonder if Spec actually followed through on his threat years ago now to tell her. When I think about coming out, I am afraid of my family saying We already know. My hesitancy rests on the finality of such a move; when one comes out as gay, what happens when he meets a woman and pursues that? Is that the aberration? I resist the label though am glad to feel more comfortable with the concept.

A dilemma or hurdle: Can I be both Christian and gay, and not in the Unitarian or Episcopal tradition? My faith is what you readers would probably consider fundamentalist in nature but to me is middle of the road conservative, both socially and theologically. A dilemma because I am not called to celibacy like Andy, though my sex issues ensue celibacy for the most part. As Ryan II calls it, I'm too Christian for most gays and perhaps too gay for most Christians. An uncomfortable nexus, one I have to navigate.

Time to get back to positive self-image stuff. I wonder if I can generalize the info to myself.


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