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11:50 a.m. - August 21, 2003
Eli, can't you read my mind?
When Eli called yesterday and wanted to hang out last night, I was shy and manufactured a need to sleep and balance the internal time-clock. This morning he called and inquired into tonight and just now an email asking about the same. He notes he comes on strong when interested - flattery and a mea culpa, or flattery and a warning? - and that familiar mixture of apathy, disgust, shyness, and fear, in other words Jason's Leitmotif, presents itself again. Recall Erika's guestbook words a while back in which she urged (condemned?) me to stay away until I learned how to play? It's a familiar tune and I'm singing it to myself.

More beneficial would be understanding why I do this, why I just can't let things go and run a natural course. I mean, what's the big deal? I had fun with him, I like his personality, he makes me laugh, and he's interested in me. Why am I complaining or pulling away under these circumstances? It's my own shame about being gay, I know, but I don't know how to work with or within that parameter.

The irony is not lost; it's pushed into my face. I judge the cavalier or recreational use of sex between men yet I participate myself and flee rather than getting to know someone. And yet I want, I crave, I want.

Times like this I feel pathetic.


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