5:43 p.m. - June 07, 2003
What the hell am I talking about? The cultural expo was good in the it’s-free and I-only-stayed-an-hour-and-a-half way. She mentioned an article I wrote about 3 years ago as if it came out in the current issue of MLA or JAS and while we made small talk I couldn’t help wonder if she felt as disconnected and impersonal as I did towards her but did a better job of façade-maintenance? Or maybe I too play the charade as well? Maybe everybody does. I don’t know. I’d like to think there’s a difference between the frosty we-once-had-class-daily-together and friendship, but upon reflection, all my friendships are like that: Always distant, never fully trusting, never satisfying.
So on the drive home – where else would I conceive of going on a balmy June afternoon, a mild 79 degrees Fahrenheit with brown, dry hills an MGM or Universal Studios backdrop against endless traffic that inches along? The economy must be improving because traffic is worsening and as unofficial as that is, I say suck it and prove me wrong and remember, Silicon Valley is just different. I digress. – I thought about what I could do to deepen or enhance the quality of the relationships I have in my life. I developed a topical list:
●Be less hostile.
I’m sure there is more to follow.
But the point is, I can either sit and stew and be unhappy and develop uncurable misanthropy, or I can at least attempt to lessen, if not cease, progression. The little chances will add up but the key is to value taking the chance itself, regardless of outcome. Maybe I’m talking out of my ass, I don’t know. I shy away from, am afraid of, dread, fill-in-the-blank putting myself into situations of which I cannot control or influence resolution. For example, I keep thinking of sending an email to Tim-the-Emailer, someone whose communication I outright miss, to patch things up – but I don’t. Or call Twids more often, give her my telephone number, send an IM to Andy, get to know him better, respond to Lorster’s many emails that I enjoy so much. You know what I really want to do? I want to get to know people, people like John and Sam here at Diaryland, people like J. and Nathan offline. I want to form a semblance of community, know what I mean? And always, I’m put off by worrying I won’t be as liked by those I like, so I cut myself off from liking anybody. I did that especially with Kuinileti a while ago and more recently with the Texan-from-Montana guy. Must develop the attitude of don’t-run-here-to-stay-but-you’re-free-to-go rather than indulging the repetitive, the practiced I-feel-ergo-time-to-go. It is okay to be vulnerable to people because more often than not, they won't hurt me. Right? Right.
I’m in a good mood today.