8:08 a.m. - July 31, 2003
Half the time I don't know what runs through my head
He's arriving next Thursday and I feel this is right, this is good. I am in a far better position now than I was even a few months ago and thus I'm confident certain pressures will be alleviated and all will go well. I'm excited to see him and each night when we talk on the phone and I hear how excited he is to see me, I'm convinced this is a positive step. I'm struck by my ambivalence regarding intimacy; part of me wants it, another part doesn't. I suspect this hesitation arises from the housemate and my how-can-I-avoid-him-from-finding-out worries and other impressions along the lines of I-don't-care-what's-the-big-deal-I'm-never-going-to-see-him-again and besides, the housemate is a fool and dolt and I have little regard for him or for his perpective on me. But still, I wouldn't want to be overheard being intimate with a guy - I can't even conceive of this - and with Spec and I, let's say it's never silent. But this of course hinges on whether or not we'll be intimate. Silly me. Of course we will be; I may as well be matter of fact about it and disallow coyness this morning. Maybe it's this matter of factness about sex that defines these so-called gay normative values that's less a triangulation of attitudes and more a starting point, a merry no need to wine and dine, let's just get to it. I doubt I'll ever feel comfortable doing that, though as I say this I realize my statement is predicated on anal sex because regarding oral, I'm matter of fact and let's be done with it and thereby reveals my own conflictual double-standard hypocrisy, which isn't really revealed at all because I can see it plainly and with a good deal of consternation. I was thinking about these desires of mine and the ways in which I act upon them (act out? Flip a coin; either way it's valid) and I'm struck by the inconsistencies: If I'm going to get head, I want it now, very little my-name-is and I want him to swallow and be clear I don't reciprocate. Yet even thinking about anal sex bothers me and I worry and panic, especially because it seems it's all about anal intimacy one way or another, whether it's digital, penile, or worse, artificial from the sex shop down the street.
I wonder if I'm clinging to Spec because we've moved past the hurdle of anal sex and I don't have to explain, I don't have to worry as much, because he knows what may happen and he still wants to be intimate. This is not a good thought and this is not a good entry, meandering without enough paragraph breaks and logical, well-formulated thoughts. Welcome to my world, eh?
Be good today.
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