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1:08 p.m. - May 10, 2003
Saturday afternoon
Yesterday I lied when asked if I was still working on the Ph.D. at Stanford; I didnít debate the pros and cons of truth-telling but simply replied in the affirmative. And afterward I thought about the origin of this shame I feel for dropping out Ė again Ė and realized it is shameful and that is that.

I look at people all around me doing their thing and I wonder to myself how and when my mechanisms began to slow and cease and it became a challenge to remember directions, to return telephone calls, to focus and function with zeal.

It is shameful to me because it isnít as if I decided grad school wasnít for me and fell back on other pleasures, replaced x with y. School was my everything and Iíve replaced it with nothing; my hands lay by my side and Iím uninterested in moving them.


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