1:21 p.m. - August 05, 2003
Point, counterpoint, match, set?
Attempt to distinguish between disinterest, disinclination, uneasiness and take-flight-responses while reviewing last night and I'm at a loss. Do I not want to see him again because he bored me, I wasn't interested, he's vapid, too gay, I'm afraid, I'm guilty, he talks too fast and too much, he's not my type though I have no real type?
Dissect:
1) Point One: I laughed more than I cringed, a valid and indisputable marker.
Counterpoint: I often laugh to disguise unease and discomfort.
2) Point Two: The topic of sex did not come up which was both a relief and a worry - what if what if what if - though in the movie theater he wanted to raise the arm separating our seats and for me, that's close enough to sex to induce suspicion.
Counterpoint: He tried to kiss me and I put a stop to that.
3) Point Three: Am I cheating on Spec by going out on a real date with someone else just days before he arrives? If so, then I am base and without morals.
Counterpoint: I'm not in a relationship with Spec.
Contrapoint: Right?
4) Point Four: Last night I catalogued faults, perhaps seeking sufficient reason to talk myself into or out of inaction. He talks a lot and while I prefer this, he also talks fast and the combination is not dynamic. He is not limpid or shallow or into fashion (I asked) but he is a fan of that show Queer Eye (name?) and knows his colors. It's a toss-up.
Counterpoint: I didn't feel embarrassed to be in public with him and come on, extra points for him wanting to be anywhere near me given the Gay Aesthetic.
5)Point Five: I could just not worry about things and let them come as they may, as unnatural and foreign to me as scrambled eggs that come out of a can.
I do this to myself purposefully so there is no chance of anything.
