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9:55 p.m. - January 08, 2004
Sweet & Sour
Arrived home from working tonight (a refresher course on computational fluid dynamics for mechanical engineers) and dealing with a mentee who began to cry while debriefing in the parking lot, and found a note left by Ryan II asking me out on a date for tomorrow night.

A big smile, a definite yes.

I call him and we talk about weekend plans. He asks if Id make a batch of my secret-recipe chocolate chip cookies. I say yes.

Then he remarks Im a great fuck buddy.

Whys that, you ask? Because Im neither emotionally hungry lets be boyfriends! - nor absent - I like to cuddle - Im therefore less prone to the dramatic. Throw a little physical intimacy into the equation, and you have a guy who doesnt want a relationship or cheap sex, so the way around it is to have sex within a matrix of Not Quite vectors; you know, Not Quite making love, Not Quite a stranger, Not Quite a relationship, Not Quite dating.

A messy discussion ensued. He didnt think Id be bothered by that label, while I am with boyfriend, and Im not sure which way the preference wind blows on this one. I am not familiar enough with contextualized behavior and assumptions regarding fuck buddies other than a creepy image of men in leather in dark parks who know each others names.

So what is the difference between a trick and a fuck buddy? Is it a matter of frequency? What are the pragmatic distinctions? Perhaps I should ask Queerscribe for an authoritative analysis. The bigger, more pertinent question timely given it was I who told Ryan II just a few days ago that pursuing a relationship at this time is not something Im ready for is what exactly do I want for myself. I say Im not mature enough to handle a gay relationship (hetero either?), yet Ive enjoyed getting to know Ryan II and Ryan I and Eli and have been intimate to varying degrees with each (Jesus, I sound like a whore), but I back off when things (emotions?) develop. Just what am I afraid of? Spec II? I resist the boyfriend designation out of hand, and I dont understand why.

Recap: A trick is an anonymous hook up for mutual relief. Does a trick evolve into a fuck buddy? And is the meet date relationship route any more or less satisfying than meet date / be a fuck buddy tire of being fuckbuddyism move on?

Worry: That this is what it means to be gay. The faces may change but the rules of the game dont, a hundred thousand permutations of looking for the next.


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