4:24 p.m. - January 07, 2003
I do not need lessons on safer-sex or coming out to parents friends coworkers or how to dress in leather or hunt for the man of my dreams at the local gay bar while high on E and or how to replace monogamy with glory hole fun and excitement. I want to learn how to reconcile childhood sexual abuse and its effects on creating and maintaining adult gay male relationships so that I can have a healthy - and sexual - gay relationship. You know, each time with Spec was both incredible and horrendous one after another lacking a pattern; sometimes afterwards I'd throw up, other times cuddle and kiss; other times I'd close my eyes and pretend I wasn't there and hope it was over soon and sing my safe song and others when I couldn't distinguish between Spec and him and Spec would gently say Open your eyes and look at me, I'm not him and I will not hurt you and sometimes it worked, sometimes not but always I wanted to run away and I'd cry and be a mess and tell me, what kind of relationship was/is that? I pushed Spec away not because of the hitting but because it was easier to deal with the past when it's not recreated the two, three, four times a day Spec wanted. And myself, I can't play the role of victim because I want, wanted, to have sex with Spec just as much as he wanted with me, but each time was simply awful yet not wholly, picking out moments where I didn't feel dirty and have flashbacks coming so few that when the moment occurred, I was more in love with Spec for giving me the chance to have a normal sex life. How does one move past the past like this? And as much as I am loathe to admit it, it's what I want.
There is/was a guy interested in me and I like him, I will admit to that. But do you know what I did? I pushed him away out of fear that something might develop because I just can't handle male-male intimacy. Kicking back on some guy's couch and letting him give me head is not intimacy and that's not what I want. I want to be open and trusting and if sex happens, to let it happen and be okay with things instead of being a mess. The point is that I'm not okay.
I'm going now.