9:45 p.m. - January 12, 2004
Mean Therapist remarked that I shut down and was resistant and when I began to protest he put up his hand and I shut up like an adolescent having failed to obtain car keys on a Friday night. How do I explain that Iím afraid of everything inside, how do I explain the kaleidoscope when I close my eyes and think about things, how do I explain that I must be strong and keep everything in place because Iím afraid of losing control and falling apart? How do I explain that Iím like a sponge dried and hardened and emotions are like water and only so much is capable of being absorbed?
I want to understand the why and thatís the answer Iíll never get.
*Bob is an older guy and I see myself in him Ė that cold, detached personality, the drive for perfection and excellence, reliance on the intellect, emotionally remote. I look at him and want to give up Ė give up what, though? Ė because if he hasnít figured it out yet, hasnít assembled the Rubikís Cube and made sense of it all by now, how can I?
I am different from the rest of the group when it comes to sexual intimacy. Apparently Iím one of those who avoid it as opposed to seeking it out. Will there ever be any rock under my feet? Tonight mentioned something off the cuff, how I do not view waking up next to a guy with distaste or the notion of being gay being disgusting. It is the sex that bothers me, the intimacy.
The morning after the first time Spec and I went for a walk on the lake shore and small waves breaking on the sand made a slick slick rhythmic sound, the sound of anal sex. And he whispered in my ear, Sound familiar? and I was ashamed. Why ashamed and not amused? Why was that the automatic direction? Perhaps a carryover of the shame of having gay sex, of having taken it up the ass from another man, of everything else we had done earlier. But I think my reaction goes deeper than that, goes back to when I was a kid and couldnít escape.
Iíve had problems saying no as a child and adult.
Everything I do is geared towards making me feel safe, secure. And if I canít say no, all my other boundaries are lines in sand.
This makes me sad.