9:03 a.m. - December 09, 2003
An extrapolation of likely sequelae:
[editor's note: -- denotes fuels]
It -- Anger & Guilt -- Fear of others learning about cause of guilt, anger at being in constant state of discovery / vulnerability -- Some lash out, have a volatile temper, others (like me?) become cold and distant, regulate an on-off with me, against me switch.
Thus ends Jason's Monday Night Therapy session.
I've been thinking about things all night in response to the session as well as what I consider a homework assignment: We are to reflect on and complete the phrase I want ___.
This is what I want:
I want to live, to not cringe when people hug or hold me, not wonder about someone's motives when they want to spend time with me, get to know me. I want to skydive. I want to light up my house and have it filled with people, I want a birthday cake in a crowded restaurant with everybody looking and not panic, I want to be open not guarded or silent, I want to travel to the Galapagos and swim with the turtles, to attend high school and college reunions instead of staying away because I feel I've accomplished nothing, I want to sleep at night without worrying that sleeping well one night simply means a bad night hasn't happened yet and is coming, I want to tell people friends strangers I have a poetry reading coming up would you like to come, I want to drink too much and crash at somebody's house and be chagrined not ashamed the day after, I want to explore and accept the richness of my faith instead of being angry towards God, climb Machu Picchu taking the donkey train rather than the luxury skytrain for tourists, I want to not feel guilty spending money on myself for the trivial things I desire but don't need like a new telephone, I want balance between expressing emotion and holding everything in and tell a friend I'm having a bad day, can I tell you about it, I don't want to drive people away, I want to feel safe when people look at me, I want to look back and say there was a time when I was a perfectionist and had to be perfect and laugh at the silly days, I want to feel clean rather than dirty deep down, I want to be okay with me regardless of whether I'm bi or gay, I want to stop being hard on myself and self-critical, allow myself to get a dog instead of saying I don't deserve one yet, I want to count, I want sexual intimacy not fear and disgust or bad thoughts and memories, I want to burst with happiness and taste sugar with every breath, I want so much.
Feeling awkward the way I do when I reveal too much, as if I'm ashamed by my thoughts. Damn it.