12:05 a.m. - January 03, 2003
I thought adolescent female angst stopped once you got laid; a misconception?
Earlier I felt social and shortly after saying so the phone rang, it was A[delete]a calling to invite herself over, to take me out for a drive so she could tell me about her first day at the new job and listening to her vibrancy, her purpose, I was overwhelmed and said No, no, I can't and just as quickly she said You can run, you can hide, but I'll track you down and so we talked on the telephone and I admit I half-listened, examining my own motives behind practically secluding myself and constructing matrices of when, with whom, and why I do go out or decline invitations and it dawned on me, I avoid the beautiful people. How awful to say but that is it and intellectually I scoff but on the inside, I know it's because I feel unworthy. How stupid, how utterly retarded to think I'm unworthy but it is so and this frightens me a great deal because logically, I know I am not hideous yet no amount of talk, inner or outer, will convince me that I am not leperous like a black hole. Where did this come from? How do I make it go away? 1,001 affirmations I am beautiful I am beautiful I am beautiful louder than the sibilant whisper No I'm not, No I'm not or worse yet You're pathetic, you're pathetic, you're pathetic period period period. I have got to get a grip on this. I don't understand why, I want to track its origin, its genesis, follow a crumb trail. I don't want to talk about this anymore. For God's sake, I'm a man and not supposed to whine and especially not about this and maybe I should focus more on football scores and Hooters and less so on the thoughts that creep like mold and once you spot it, it's a never-ending battle to subdue its march. Vigilance.
You know, I'd like to meet Mal and Twids in person but I won't because I feel hideous. How fucked is that? Where did this come from? When? How did I get like this? I'm using it as an excuse and this must stop.
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