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11:23 a.m. - January 29, 2004
All of a sudden, this journal doesn't seem so private and it bothers me
Learning quickly that when Ryan II sleeps over to not have plans for the following morning: He sleeps hard and good luck getting him up and out. Good thing my morning assignment was cancelled. Heís been really sweet and I enjoy how heís far more open emotionally than what Iíve had before, enough contrast that he urges me to open up and talk and share. He makes me laugh in a good way though I need to be more conscious of distinguishing between opportune and unflattering moments when I do. Last night he wanted it and my initial response was lukewarm Ė always, the what if? worry Ė and he put on his Iím-trying-to-be-sexy face, whispered Youíre really tight so the more we do it the easier you can take all of it and I had to laugh because my inner response: sweetie, Iíve taken a lot bigger so donít worry flashed inappropriate and thoroughly queen-ish. These things donít need to be shared. But you know what I adore about him? Itís his Iím-22-and-the-world-revolves-around-me gravitas that reminds me of a toddlerís surety all is his for the taking and nobody can refuse him.

Finding it awkward to bring up the condom topic. Made Eli and Ryan I cover up and half of me doesnít want to push the issue with Ryan II, the other half slaps my head.

Also finding it awkward to talk about specific (sex) things that bother me. I wish I had a gay buddy with whom I could talk about these things Ė Jesus, when did I turn into a Sex & the City character? Shut up Jason, shut up.


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