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7:12 a.m. - March 08, 2003
Last night fell asleep early and woke up a little after one; I painted the trim around the doors with several left to go. The nights I - how to describe this? Afraid to sleep or Must keep busy? - on these nights when I want to focus and not think, when I am most - what? I don't know - I involve myself in an activity and hours later have forgotten the reason for the impulse. Last night I painted, another night I've scrubbed tubs with Ajax, another night I did the tear-down phase of my bathroom remodel. Anything to occupy my thoughts, to regain control.

I thought about writing here last night but decided against it. I tread water here, rehash everything in an elliptical fashion. What is the use of writing about the bogeyman when I am 27 years old and should be past this? Of being afraid to sleep because the minute I close my eyes I think about him? What I want most is to understand the causality of these episodes, if you will, their triggers, simply for the control.

This is pathetic, all of it.

Will I ever develop hindsight if I can't move on?


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