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10:31 p.m. - October 23, 2003
The way of my world, at least
Two things:

1) Is the note from David Lipsky authentic?

2) I received the layout design sheets for my book today. I must choose between three options and each is beautiful, though I'm wondering if this light purple can be changed to blue. Not a fan of the purple. This is my book, this is what it's going to look like! While I only have ten pages each layout, and must wait until at least May for the blue-liner (the absolute last step before printing thousands of copies), this is as close to REAL as I'm going to get for a while. I'm so scared the book will be a flop, critically rejected, dismissed, and these fears mount in proportion to the numbers of hands my work passes through, from Barbara-the-Editor and her staff, the layout and design team, the illustrators, the pilot field-testers. Can it be that it's a product worthy of all these people's backing, or is it simply that there's money in the air and one does as told to earn that paycheck?

But the layouts are beautiful, and they are my work and excitement surges. I think I'm going to jump up and down for a moment and if nobody's looking, clap my hands. I'm a dork, I know.

You know, the book of poetry just about killed me. This is 10,000 times worse.

Nota bene: These times when there is nobody to share in my excitement, whether it's pounding on someone's door and we both laugh and talk fast and revisit this joy of sorts or calling on the phone to squeal and make conjectures about the future, these times I realize my I-don't-want-anyone-need-anyone plan, my defenses, my insecurities all are as hollow as I know them to be and that pat on my back is but my own hand, and this is the way it is.


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