10:03 a.m. - September 25, 2003
I'm at work bored, restless, thinking
This morning is dragging and while I usually enjoy this assignment, I�m checking my watch every few minutes and am convinced the batteries are slow and the electricity feeding the clock on the wall intermittent. I�m nodding off, antsy, bored � my usual distractions aren�t effective and reviewing last night�s writing output confuses me, I can�t visualize whether the syntax stuff is on the lower-left corner of Page 244 or on the upper-right on 254 and that throws everything off, as does the sinking suspicion that I already addressed the syntax issue previously but I can�t think of where. I�m off this morning.
Yesterday was an exercise in pushing people away, I see now. I think I do this when some inner proximity alarm blares, when either I get too close to someone or someone edges closer to me. I�m feeling hemmed in and defensive and I don�t understand why. It�s like there�s a finite resource of closeness from which I draw and when overburdened, there�s a burst of energy and the afterimage is me with space, a well-defined perimeter. I wonder if everybody�s like this or it�s just another idiosyncrasy of mine.
I don�t handle mental (emotional? social?) multi-tasking well:
1) Spec. I�m flying to Seattle Friday night, after a brief stop-in to the party. Changed my departure gate from San Jose to San Francisco and still Spec complains that he�s not a priority. He�s right; he�s not. And I�m ashamed of myself to see how much I�m looking forward to seeing him and spending the weekend in Seattle. Why do I say I�m ashamed? I say that often, don�t I? Shame like smokers huddled by the signs saying No Smoking Within 25 Feet of Entrance on a rainy day and that craving supersedes everything else. Shame because I know that pity, that Oh, poor Jason, he can�t see how demeaned he is or what a jerk Spec is refrain, but I do see and I make choices.
2) Ryan. I like his voicemail messages but not when he asks if I�m avoiding him. It�s not avoidance, just a change in status: I don�t want to be his suck-buddy while he�s ending his relationship. Shit, I�m dumb enough to believe he is breaking up but not enough to suck his dick in the meantime. Yeah, friends maybe, because he�s into hockey.
3) Eli. Back out of the blue. Uninvited.
Am I complaining? I don�t mean to � I�m just frustrated. Bathsheba asks what�s new, what�s going on in my life, and I don�t share this frustration with her. A[deleted]a asks the same but when I tell her, she cautions me against jumping into the gay fray, thinks it�s still a phase. That my best friend isn�t supportive � or open � sucks.
All this to say when multiple people want � expect � me to open up, be chatty, laugh, I feel overwhelmed. I can do one-on-one, not multivariables. And worse yet, I was mean to this really nice guy I�ve been talking on the phone with, because I don�t want him to know how much I look forward to chatting with him. Sorry, Joel.
Hopefully my mood will improve.
