12:08 p.m. - July 01, 2003
I do have absurdly high expectations, load up the reading assignments, give two quizzes per day, and demand their best. I don't go out of my way to sabotage or place an undue burden on them, but come on, they're the ones who signed up for this 2-week, 6 hour per day mini-session involving highly technical language and readings. It's not for the knobbly-kneed, you know? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I think only from my perspective as a one-time Stepford student. Was proud of other students who comforted her even if half the female students gave me nasty looks afterwards. She was very accurate when she mentioned I pay more attention to those in the center than those on the ends (she's the farthest to my left, very last seat, first row) and I think it's only natural for the eyes to gravitate towards the center. I noticed after the break she sat in the center and that's good, though it doesn't exactly alleviate any concern.
Last night there were thunderstorms that played a game with my head: The phone kept ringing and each time, I went downstairs to answer. The storm clouds were violet and shook the townhouse and I loved it. Around 1:30 this morning I again went down to pick up the receiver and perhaps I was still dreaming because I thought it was Spec calling and I was disoriented, trying to figure out how he obtained the phone number. I guess I was dreaming about him though I don't remember the content.
For a few days now I've been thinking of writing him a letter. I don't know what good or goal it would accomplish, but there are a few things I'd like him to know. Is that lame, writing a letter out of the blue when I've made it explicitly clear I don't want him to contact me again? I miss him with that ache that's only partially masked under the best circumstances and yearns in the open late at night. I find I'm angry with him still. Like everybody says, I stymie myself; perhaps I could have made it work. Look at that, what kind of crock wishful thinking runs through my mind.
I am unsettled today. Having dinner tonight with my mother and her partner. That's twice in less than a month. It's not that I don't love her, it's that I can't stand being around her, and I'm a poor liar when she asks, Do you have plans?.