10:56 p.m. - November 07, 2002
Tropes lurk, beware
Ukumbusho wa siku ya uzazi, na mimi lakini kupungukiwa yeye mimi simu ya midomo, kuambia maamkizi, kukumbuka. Yeye muupendo, mimi yuupendano? Siyo, hapana kibisa.
Rain and wind today, tonight, cloudclap woke me early at 1 and listened earnestly, certain there was a message for me lost in the din but fell asleep before long and how warm I was when I awoke again later, warm still when caught between overhang and car and drenched and I laughed and an older woman walking towards me giggled when we crossed paths, because I was wet and laughing and walking slowly as she rushed clutching a Safeway bag to her hair but she was wet too, though I suspect not warm.
Last night dreamed of my maternal grandfather alone in that big house, how quiet it must be with my grandmother dead and the dream was slow moving the way one watches the trees on summer nights and he didn't speak to me but he smiled and I woke wondering if I had ever seen him smile in life and the conclusion is no, though I may have missed opportunities because I avoided him always. I wonder how he is now, and I know he must be lonely, maybe the way I am. I thought today that it isn't my grandfather father brother mother sister aunts uncles, it's me; somewherehow I'm the one who unwelcomes them. I asked him are you happy and he looked at me, paused from his work on a new addition to the house, and smiled and that must be the secret, finding something you love and enveloping yourself and who cares if you're marked Canceled as long as you have what makes you happy? That's what I need, to find that which can envelop me. I suspect it will elude, misfit to the end.
There isn't enough rain in which to swim away and it isn't rain I wish to write about.
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Another one like so many.
I am 27 years old today.
I am unhappy.
I am tired of being unhappy.
I am tired of being tired.
How easy to listen to the rain above.
