6:18 p.m. - January 20, 2003
She told me she has feelings for me and the minute the f-word left her lips I was running for cover. A poor image because I don't run; I freeze, becoming cold and distant and aloof and incredulous simultaneously and is it any wonder Bathsheba hangs up and others walk away? I didn't know what to say in that moment between recognition of the f-word and my response and auto-pilot stepped in, shoving me out of the way. That's a better image.
Didn't see it coming out of the blue - just an email one day saying she was going to stop reading my journal and that hurt because I felt my effort to open up to people was thrown in my face - and next thing I know, she concedes there are feelings present but not to worry, because she can get over them. Are things ever that simple? I feel guilty, as if I colluded to snare feelings and I quickly think Who in their right mind would have feelings for me (a) right now and (b) after reading my journal. And the truth is that yes, there's always been a tangible connection between Bathsheba and myself and maybe in another lifetime, maybe, but such things can't happen in the here and now.
I'm over-reacting. I'll call her and apologize.
But this is simply one of the interior filler pieces to the puzzle. The issue in bas-relief is how I handle people and the mess that occurs when I (a) want people to be close to me and (b) Yet feel threatened when they do. I haven't figured out the right balance or ratio between Good + Not Good. A while ago I was talking to Twids and she asked an inoccuous question - so I think now - and the image of me turning tail is accurate. Same thing with Mal; I have a distrust in the wings, waiting to be caught off guard. An my former therapist; of all people to open up to, it should have been her. But I couldn't. I was suspicious of her motives - her motives! - and didn't cooperate.
I crave people yet cringe, kind of like shivering in hot weather.