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10:21 p.m. - December 22, 2004
Cookies and cream oh my
Ryan stopped by despite my reticence: I'm coming and that's final. Oh, how I respond to authority, switching from refusal to cheery endorsement like a slapstick caricature. It felt wonderful to be hugged, and when I pulled away he hugged me longer. It was more wonderful and made me smile. We exchanged gifts - I whipped up a batch of the secret-ingredient cookies for him, and he presented me with a homemade porno on DVD. Yes, I didn't know exactly what to say either at first. Solo of Ryan jerking off in his living room and licking off his finger gobs of cum - just what everybody wants under their Christmas tree, eh? The rest of the DVD is a compilation of several pornos not starring Ryan, things he said I'd like. Having zoomed through some of the selections, I'd say yes, he knows me well.

We talked for a while and surprisingly, he asked why I had pulled back. Surprising because Ryan's depth is limited to a too-tight Abercrombie & Bitch or American Minion t-shirt, but we had a decent conversation not exactly about My Issues but how I misread people and their intentions / words / everything too often. Later, the inner slut came out to play and we messed around some: A happy ending for him, only slighter-than-usual discomfort for me.

Something he mentioned struck a nerve. I frustrate/d him when I negate the things he says, as if I think he's lying or trying to make me feel better when he gives me a compliment. For me it's all-or-nothing and my uglies obliterate the not-so-ugly. Ryan likes my smile, my skin, my eyes - but come on, how can he not be repulsed when he looks below my neck? Hmm. Maybe he doesn't. See my thinking? Point is, we had a good conversation and I got him off. You compliment me, I swallow: A straight-forward exchange.

It is gratifying though when he talks about my cock. Nations don't bow down but it is thicker than most and I guarantee two or more large loads back to back. Whip the rest of me into shape and I'll star on my own DVD under your Christmas tree.

When a gay man says You should call me more often does he mean it? I should stop thinking that doing so is a collect booty call.

This afternoon was a cookies and cream day. Literally!


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