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10:03 p.m. - August 07, 2005
More than one funeral tonight
Tonight's episode of Six Feet Under was beautiful.

I've gone out of my way to interpret funerals. The agency donates interpreter services pro bono for community funerals and when asked I go. I've seen a wide range of ceremonies, from the elaborate to the simple, and each one has been beautiful to me. A while ago, signing a Hail Mary next to a priest, I realized why I'm drawn to funerals. It isn't recognition of loss, or grief, or seeing other people's sorrow. It's because for just a slight moment I feel connected to people, as if a suspension bridge has been made - or found? - across which I can freely traverse only until the service ends, at which time I scurry back to sit on the bank looking at the people on the other side.

It's an entirely selfish gratification, grabbing what connection I can in the most vulnerable of situations. I am not ashamed of this, though it disturbs me slightly. I feel part of the crowd when individuals come up to me and hug, thanking me profusely for being there/beautiful/athousandvariationsthereof; I feel connected when I'm recognized long after as The Man Who Interpreted X's Funeral; I feel less alone when my eyes water along with everyone else's.

Thought of this while watching the episode. A refreshed pledge: When it's time, do so alone and far from people so I'm not found until much later.


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