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7:49 a.m. - May 30, 2003
Anger too much last night and this morning
My laptop is acting up and it makes me feel so damn stupid to follow directions, download updated drivers, and reboot only to have the problem remain. Out of the blue - meaning two days ago - the laptop began sending this error message:

The device driver for the 'Compaq Easy Access internet keyboard' device is preventing the machine from entering standby. You may need to update this driver.

It makes me feel that frustrated and stupid that this morning I went to Dell and nearly bought a new laptop; that's how much I hate feeling this way. I realize this response is inordinate and undue and likely (likely? Jesus Christ, it's obvious as hell) due to some other issues going on. It just bugs me that the laptop isn't even a year old and I'm struggling with it; I struggle because you guessed it, I'm stupid. Aargh. And I hate that. I want to chuck this in the garbage - but can't, not if I can get a tax write off for giving it to charity first - so to allegorize, I'm struggling with maturity and barbarism, kind of like Coetzee's Waiting for the Barbarians. Now that's a great book and how the hell did I get on this topic?

All this is only the epistratum, the most visible layer of what's going on. Yesterday Spec tried to contact me via IMs - to which I did not respond, yay me - and then by the phone. I unplugged it after the first 4 calls and my voice mail indicates I have 12 new messages. I don't understand him and were I to be completely honest and exposed, I would say I am afraid of him. And I feel like a failure for saying that, a failure as a man and as someone who is no longer in a relationship but still carries too much residue, like the canal in Love Canal. Or something.

Know why he hasn't contacted me since the last time? He was giving me a cooling off period to come to my senses. And you know what that means? To let myself be pushed around and take his barbs and insults and to not object or think he's wrong when he hits me for your own good but I say Fuck That. I am angry with him in that twisted-gut manner, angry that I already had safety issues with men long before he came along and found my stupid smile and naivete appealing, issues that are now hypercrazy because I am fucking afraid of men more so now than before, isn't that fucked up? And to be in this position of being afraid of them and yet wanting to be with them is 1,000 times worse than getting hit because the bruises go away, you know? I'm angry because some people adapt and bounce back and I've never been like that and certainly didn't need the kick to the face that Spec was.

I hate him almost as much as I miss him. Now that is fucked up.

I don't make much sense any more.


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